why, oh why, oh why

I ran my third road race yesterday since tying on the old running shoes again and heading to the roads, and for the most part it was a great race. Good atmosphere, tons of people, tough course. But I made the same tragic mistake I have made the last two races I have been in... I started too far back in the pack. The faster runners usually head to the front, and the middle runners are in the middle, and the slower runners/walkers are in the back.

When I was younger, in high school and college... I never hesitated to start up front. I knew I was fast, and I had proof. I was on the top cross country team in the state heading to college to run there. Now, it's different. Each race I set a goal and I tell myself to start toward the front, but each time I get in the pack and start to question my abilities. As a result I spend the first 1/4-1/2 mile struggling to get around much slower people... sprinting, stopping, starting, dodging, weaving... and overall my time is slower than it should I am capable of.

There are two problems here: One with the people around me, the other with me. I start the race and people block the way. They may be starting too far up in the pack, thinking they are better runners than they are. On the other hand I do not have the confidence to start with people that may be better than I am. Even though I know I will run faster, better, and stronger, if I am not held back.

Spiritually, we tend to do the same sorts of things. We allow people who are not even running the race to stand in front of us and block us from where God wants to go. We allow work, our children, unbelieving friends and family to dictate how we will grow spiritually instead of running the race God has given us.

Hebrews 12:1 says, "Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangels, and let us run with perserverance the race marked out for us."

This verse is packed with stuff but two things are important. Who do we run with? Hebrews says we are surrounded by witnesses to Jesus Christ. To run strong this faith race, we must run with strong runners and not get behind people that will hold us back.

The second thing is that we must throw off everything that hinders. What does that include? Well... everything. If something is holding you back from growing in Christ, or running the race God has for you, you must throw it off. Here the writer says specifically sin, but that is an example of something that can hold you back. He says "and the sin" that means there must be things that aren't sin that can hold us back too. This is harsh but true. Our spouses can do a alot to help us run the race of faith, and they can do alot to hinder us in the race. My wife has always been such a great helper in my spiritual run. She challenges me to fight the good fight and keeps me commited to God's Word and work. As much as my spouse has been a help to me, I know others are not so blessed. That doesn't mean you cast them aside, but we have to make it clear to those we love the most that our relationships with Jesus Christ trumps even our relationships with our husbands and wives. This same principle extends to our children, our past times, our jobs, everything.

So, are you starting too far back in the pack of your faith race? Move forward.

just childishness

I love to run. In my humble opinion, it is the purest of all sports because it is just an individual against him or herself and the elements. No matter the terrain or the weather, the basic activity of running is the same.

I can remember the first time I ever went out on a run strictly for the sake of running. I mean to say that I went out not to run as a part of another activity but just to run. I was 11 years-old, and I lived on a military base in Italy. Growing up I always remember my dad coming in from eight, nine, or ten mile runs, and I thought that was the greatest thing, but I didn't think I would ever be able to do that. So, I even surprised myself when I asked my dad, if I could run with him. He picked a day when he wasn't going to go very far... only three miles, a managable distance he thought. So we went out, and I can remember trying to emulate his motions and movements so I would be able to go the distance.

Up to that point I ran like all kids run... you know flailing arms and legs, just flying. If you have ever seen the "Friends" episode where Phoebe runs you know what I am talking about... Most of the time I would run playing tag, or soccer, or something else so it was a means to an end, and I didn't care about form or perserving energy or anything. But now with my dad running was different. Running became the end unto itself.

Jesus said in Matthew 19:14, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." That got me to thinking about the difference between the way kids run and the way adults run. They're free, fast, flying, flailing. They have terrible form. If they ran like that long enough they would get hurt. But there is enthusiasm. Jesus said this Matthew to demonstrate how we are to think and feel and approach God... with enthusiasm, with all of who we are.

But does that mean, we stay like children in our faith, only going after the "fun" of it? Only satisfied with the high energy, undignified, exciting expressions of our adoration of him? Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13:11, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."

So which is it? Well, it's both. As I read these two Scriptures I can see that there is a difference between childlikeness and childishness. When we approach God after first becoming a Christian it is new and different, and there are new emotions and thoughts and it is exciting, but after a while that fades. Sometimes it fades when we read tough passages of the Bible to understand... like the book of Job or Leviticus. For some people it just happens because of time. Some Christians always seek that excitement and don't want to hear anything about the justice of God, or the punishment of the lost, or talk about the necessity of sacrifice. They believe Christianity is all the time happiness and as a result they seek the childishness of faith. But God calls us to be childlike, but not childish.

I look at how I run now... to train for races, or to stay in shape... and compare it to how I did when I was a child, and I realize it is really two sides of the same coin. When I get up in the morning and run, I feel just as free, just as enthusiastic as I did when I was a kid running around my neighborhood. The difference is I have added to it. Discipline, form, thought, nutrition. Some days it hurts, some days it is tough, but I keep running.

That is what God calls us to in our faith. Tap into that childlike enthusiasm, but do not be afraid of discipline and growth. To put the flailing behind you, but to not stop running.

Out with my dad on that first REAL run, I ran the entire three miles in a bit over 30 minutes, and my even though my dad was much faster than me then, he stayed with me, checking on me, keeping me going...

don't mean to boast... but I lost!

Weakness is not something I like to admit… not to strangers, not to friends or family, not even to myself. Admitting weakness is like admitting failure, admitting that I am not as good as I could or should be. I am not sure that I would consider myself overly macho or tough, but admitting failure, weakness… come on, I mean it’s almost un-American, right?

The thing is that in a world that is consistently trying to find the commonality of all people one that we never want to focus on is our innate weakness and frailty. What really does bind all of us together are the statments, "Nobody's perfect" and "Everybody has it rough". Every human being on the face of the planet since the dawn of time has problems, flaws, tragedies. While Jesus never sinned and was morally perfect, even he faced hardships and moments of emotional and physical weakness. While it may seem antithetical to everything that we have been taught, it is in our weakness that we can approach each other and understand everyone.

One of my biggest weaknesses is that I don’t tend to make very deep friendships (probably because I have a hard time admitting my weaknesses…) and really it comes from a kind of intimidation that I feel around other people. This might surprise a few of you, but I get really self-conscious and have trouble approaching people on anything more than a superficial level. My wife pointed out to me that the people I was intimidated to approach were probably just as intimidated to approach me. It hit me that my weakness, my shortcoming might be the same as those around me, and if it wasn’t at the very least the people around me had some weaknesses. We were really not all that different.

What does that mean? Well, Paul writes about an experience he had in struggling with his weaknesses and his desire to overcome them. Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 13, “7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

This is one of my favorite sections of Scripture because if you look before and after this passage, all Paul talks about his is weaknesses and how the power of God is revealed most fully in our weakness. The reason this is so important for us is that God wants to reveal himself to everyone and through everyone… that is why we ALL have huge weaknesses. Our frailties are designed to point us to a loving and abiding God whose glory and strength are complete enough for everyone. Trying to hide our weaknesses or compensate for them by throwing our accomplishments in people’s faces only distracts from seeing the power of God.

If we are truly looking and truly open… then we will find that God’s power comes not in spite of our weaknesses, not to destroy our frailties, not to alleviate hardships or difficulties. God’s power is revealed right in the middle of our weakness, it is revealed because of our weakness. We need only not to hide.

The reason and the sounds...

I am sure you all know what internal dialogue is (some may call this an internal monologue, but for me it can often be a two sided affair). It is the running conversation that you have with yourself throughout the day. It is the way you interact with situations and information in your head. Often times, the internal dialogue has little visible bearing to other people, but it is always there. For those of you thinking that is just crazy, the thought that you had as you read the previous statements was your internal dialogue. Essentially, internal dialogue is the way we see the world. Throughout my day my internal dialogue can shift radically from inner grumblings over traffic, to my "to do" list at work, to thoughts about life and the world in general.

Proverbs 21:2 says, "All a man's ways seem right to him, but the LORD weighs the heart" and that got me thinking about my internal dialogue. I have always kind of been under the assumption that my internal dialogue was just my own, it had little bearing on my life and work and how I was perceived... but then I thought about how Proverbs describes actions and the heart. In a lot of ways, I see the use of the word "heart" as a person's internal dialogue. Many times, I feel as though my actions, or what everyone sees is pretty okay even if I am burning angry or really want to curse somebody out in traffic, but the fact is God is really interested in that internal dialogue.

A professor of mine at RTS once posed the question to student if he was a murderer? Of course this seemed like a very shocking and abrupt question for 8 AM on a Wednesday and if the desired effect was to get everyone to wake up... it worked. Now, if you know the story of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5 then maybe you are a step ahead of where I was in the class. In it Jesus says, 21"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' 22But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother[b]will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' (an Aramaic term of contempt) is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell."

So what? Is Jesus actually calling us all murderers? Maybe. But I think more important than that is the fact that our actions outside should reflect our thoughts and feelings inside. That is not to say we should act on every impulse... there are whole psychological and sociological movements based on that premise... but more to the point, our thoughts and feelings should be made held to our beliefs. If that is the case, then genuine Christian action will follow. The point Jesus and the writer of Proverbs is that God cares about our internal dialogue.

As a Christian my internal dialogue should be constantly running through a filter: the filter of Jesus Christ and His Word, and I would say that for the most part it does, but before I come off as being far holier than I am, I have to say that I do not always act in accord with my Christian filter, and sometimes I downright ignore it altogether. But the fact remains that the filter is there. The filter is the Holy Spirit, sometimes gently other times forcibly, pulling at me to think and act on the same principles I claim with my mouth.

My prayer for myself is that if someone looks into my heart at a given moment they will see my longing for Christ and his righteousness. Again, I am not perfect, but Jesus Christ is, and it is his love and mercy that I cling to.